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I'd Like To Have A Word With Virginia O'Brien

It was a cloudy Sunday morning, but a glow of promise was on our brows as we formulated our action plan. Today we take on the BBQ!

Putting together an outdoor BBQ is a massive undertaking at the best of times. Friendships, and even marriages, have completely fallen apart during the melee of navigating those complicated diagrams. Twenty easy steps, straight to hell.

By 10:30 that morning the manuals had been read and reread cover to cover. "Before Beginning Assembly" notes were carefully followed and the tools needed were gathered. The air crackled with anticipation as we dragged the BBQ box out to the backyard.

As the main frame of the BBQ was slowly pieced together we discovered extra parts. Instead of just two support rails we ended up with four. One rail, in each pair, had a prescribed serial number for the BBQ. We had two distinct numbers. Off to an excellent start!

The assembly continued without much fuss until we reached step number 15. Inserting the ignitor switch and adding the control knobs. The ignitor went on without incident. The control knobs, which turn the BBQ burners on and off, were missing. Everything left inside the BBQ cardboard box was taken out and thoroughly inspected. No knobs could be found.

And then, at the very bottom of the box, a small slip of paper. On it was stamped: "This unit inspected by Virginia O'Brien." We're not sure what her inspection involved: "yes, this is a box" ... "yes, this box is a BBQ box and has what looks like the parts of one in it" ... "yes, I have had several drinks today, and I can somewhat make out a stack of BBQ boxes of various colours and textures on the far side of the room."

In the end, Ms. O'Brien's inspection missed the fact that our BBQ box contained an extra pair of support rails, one extra pal nut, one extra insulated washer, several extra hitch pins, as well as missing one of two towel bar slats, and no control knobs to turn the damn thing on.

Rather than launch the whole mess into the lake, new "universal" control knobs were acquired along with a lovely black all-weather cover. With the new knobs in place we were able to perform the necessary soapy "leak tests" on the tank, hoses and various connections. All systems were finally a-go, and talk turned to dinner.

Over homemade, freshly grilled hamburgers we toasted Virginia O'Brien and her lazy eyes. The food was hot, nothing blew up, and the burners were easily turned off with a quick turn of the knob. Quality Assurance may have gone the way of the Dodo, but we still love all 40,000 BTUs of our new little char-broiller. Even if it is one slat short of a full grill!

Andrew Duff and Catherine Thomson continue to stoke the culinary coals in Toronto, Canada.