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The Flashing Ball

For my 30th birthday (yes, I said 30th...) I got a funky bouncing ball. Radioactive green, its innards flash red when you bounce it. Two little red lights inside the bouncing rubber ball give it its name: Flashing, the "Super Hi-bouncing Ball."

The packaging alone is amazing. Bright and garish in a chocolate bar wrapper kind of way. You can't help but look! As I thoroughly inspected this new prize, I flipped it over to read the back. That is when things got really interesting.

Without a doubt, this product has a non-English speaking origin. In its home country, I'm sure the script on the packaging reads like prose. A romantic sonnet to honor the glory of this hi-bouncing ball. However, in its current rendition on the package of my ball, it ain't so great. A lot has been lost in the translation. The writing, in both English and French, is a caution... "important information for parents." I have to say, I was baffled. It reads like a stream of consciousness, with one warning working as the springboard for the next:

Don't put the ball in your mouth, and make sure you look around you while playing with the ball so you don't hit unsuspecting people, and don't go maliciously hitting unsuspecting people - the ball is not a weapon, so don't hurt yourself either (maliciously or otherwise) with the ball, and remember when playing outside, in a non-violent manner, that the ball reacts to the sun (somehow) and the sun, which is a big, bright, hot ball itself, is very dangerous and this bouncing ball is clear so don't even think of taking the ball and putting it in front of your eye (or anywhere near your mouth) and looking through it at the sun because this can really harm your eyes and we're sure that you'd probably never think of doing this, but since we've now warned you against it, you're going to try it anyway.

They're certainly covering all bases, as ridiculous as some may seem. Spelling mistakes and all ("keep it away form your face."). As you can imagine, once opening the package and removing the ball, it was quickly discovered that the ball fits perfectly in my mouth, the sun can indeed be observed through the transparent skin of the ball, and each bounce produces a fifteen second red flashing extravaganza!

Inspired by this wonder of wonders, we at downwithup.com have come up with our own cautionary statement for the parents of the world:

Important information for parents and other users of downwithup.com

Do not put downwithup.com in, on, or near your mouth, ears or buttocks.

Always use the "buddy system" when viewing downwithup.com.

If you are a minor, or in a related field, do not understand "dry wit," or have trouble saying the word "entrepreneur," ask a parent for help before viewing downwithup.com.

Certain groups of small animals are known to react adversely to downwithup.com, so try and keep them separated.

For ideal conditions, preheat downwithup.com and brush lightly with olive oil.

Catherine Thomson (along with "ghost editor" Andrew Duff) continues to bounce happily in Toronto, Canada.